Barbarian (2003)
Barbarian: The Last Great Warrior King

Nomination Year: 2015
SYNOPSIS:  Upon looking up Deathstalker, I see that I can yoink the synopsis, change it a little and use it for Barbarian. Check it out:

Deathstalker Kane is a barbarian. He fights people, and things. He has sex with women. He ends up at a great contest of warriors. He wins the contest, and destroys the magic items belonging to stolen by the evil wizard who staged the contest. To paraphrase Matt, the plot consisted pretty much entirely of (a) leather, and (b) breasts comma naked.


Oh but there were a lot of things we "enjoyed" about this movie. When we started it up, we found there was not one, not two, but three previews for the Harry-Crum-directed medieval sword and sorcery movie Barbarian! You know, the movie we were going to watch anyway? At least we got to say "Hey! It's the scene where he does the rolly bit with the sword from the preview!" or "Ahhh, she must be the dual-wielding horseback riding Amazon from the previews -- wonder when she gets that second sword?"

Highly amusing us was the interplay between the evil wizard (performance phoned in by Martin Kove) and his manpanion, the fashionable and mincing man-in-waiting. Subtext galore!

Then there was the montage explaining the whole back story (blah blah), which was told primarily in clips from the various Deathstalker films. Hello guy with the tattoo that migrated across your head! We miss your impeccable acting. Also if you missed the mud wrestling orgy scene from Deathstalker, fear not, it's in here as well. Other strange highlights included some weirdly-placed time-lapse clouds. And some more weirdly-placed time-lapse clouds. And Wooby.

Take the least endearing qualities of an Ewok and cross them with the least endearing qualities of Snarf from Thundercats and you will have Wooby. Why is there a child actor in an egregiously fake fur suit in this movie? Why can't Wooby speak without the "cute" gurgles, purrs, snuffles and woofs? Why does this character even exist, other than it is small and can fit through the bizarre tunnel system in the castle walls? At one point in time, Wooby is badly wounded somehow (another point we won't get into), and everyone in the movie has their sad but concerned "A character will die" face on (we had our happy "Can we get rid of this annoyance?" faces on). Wooby crawls over to some plants, lops off a leaf, sings to it, and puts it over the wound. Voila! The gaping wound is completely healed! Huh? The two main characters sigh a sigh of non-Wooby-death relief, and say in their best sitcom voices "Oh, Wooby." Huh?

I guess if you like a lot of random bare-chested muscly Michael O'Hearn or a lot of random boobies or a lot of acting that makes a High School performance look Oscar-worthy, then this is your movie.

Personally, I'd recommend renting and watching Deathstalker instead, since it's the same thing, but done better.

Deus Ex Machina

Deus Ex Wooby with Armor

Worst Acting

~8 Acting -> "Sword of Justice" bit (http://us.imdb.com/name/nm1343003/ as Gilda)

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Michael O'Hearn four-time Mister Universe 
Martin Kove This bulbous-nosed slab of meat plays the beefy guy in almost EVERYTHING; you're almost certain to have seen him (e.g., as "Nero the Hero" in Death Race 2000
Svetlana Metkina  
Director Claim to Fame
Henry Crum  

Jeannette Quirk

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