Barbarian  (2003)
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Barbarian: The Last Great Warrior King
Tagline(s):The Last Great Warrior King.
Nomination Year: 2015
SYNOPSIS: Upon looking up Deathstalker, I see that I can yoink the synopsis, change it a little and use it for Barbarian. Check it out:

Deathstalker Kane is a barbarian. He fights people, and things. He has sex with women. He ends up at a great contest of warriors. He wins the contest, and destroys the magic items belonging to stolen by the evil wizard who staged the contest. To paraphrase Matt, the plot consisted pretty much entirely of (a) leather, and (b) breasts comma naked.

Oh, but there were a lot of things we "enjoyed" about this movie. When we started it up, we found there was not one, not two, but three previews for the Harry-Crum-edited medieval sword and sorcery movie Barbarian! You know, the movie we were going to watch anyway? At least we got to say "Hey! It's the scene where he does the rolly bit with the sword from the preview!" or "Ahhh, she must be the dual-wielding horseback riding Amazon from the previews - wonder when she gets that second sword?"

Highly amusing us was the interplay between the evil wizard (performance phoned in by Martin Kove) and his manpanion, the fashionable and mincing man-in-waiting. Subtext galore!

Then there was the montage explaining the whole back story (blah blah), which was told primarily in clips from the various Deathstalker films. Hello guy with the tattoo that migrated across your head! We miss your impeccable acting. Also if you missed the mud wrestling orgy scene from Deathstalker, fear not, it's in here as well. Other strange highlights included some weirdly-placed time-lapse clouds. And some more weirdly-placed time-lapse clouds. And Wooby.

Take the least endearing qualities of an Ewok and cross them with the least endearing qualities of Snarf from Thundercats and you will have Wooby. Why is there a child actor in an egregiously fake fur suit in this movie? Why can't Wooby speak without the "cute" gurgles, purrs, snuffles and woofs? Why does this character even exist, other than it is small and can fit through the bizarre tunnel system in the castle walls? At one point in time, Wooby is badly wounded somehow (another point we won't get into), and everyone in the movie has their sad but concerned "A character will die" face on (we had our happy "Can we get rid of this annoyance?" faces on). Wooby crawls over to some plants, lops off a leaf, sings to it, and puts it over the wound. Voila! The gaping wound is completely healed! Huh? The two main characters sigh a sigh of non-Wooby-death relief, and say in their best sitcom voices "Oh, Wooby." Huh?

I guess if you like a lot of random bare-chested muscly Michael O'Hearn or a lot of random boobies or a lot of acting that makes a High School performance look Oscar-worthy, then this is your movie.

Personally, I'd recommend renting and watching Deathstalker instead, since it's the same thing, but done better.
Jeannette Quirk
Smithee Award Nominations
Deus Ex Machina
Deus Ex Wooby
Wooby hides behind the armor, accidentally opening a secret door, escaping, and distracting the guards at the perfect moment.
Worst Acting
The Sword of Justice
Svetlana Metkina's performance as Gilda should have been put to the sword...
Directors
Director Claim to Fame
John O'Halloran His only credit is Barbarian
Henry Crum Was an EDITOR, not director. But was called in after two firings to try anyway. 
Cast
Actor Character Claim to Fame
Michael O'Hearn Kane Four-time Mister Universe who played Mr. Green in Con Man
Irina Grigoreva Princess Ukranian actress who portrayed Katya in Silent Partner and Marina in Sezon Okhoty
Martin Kove Munkar This ubiquitous bulbous-nosed slab of meat plays the beefy guy in almost EVERYTHING; you're almost certain to have seen him (e.g., as "Nero the Hero" in Death Race 2000). 
Svetlana Metkina Gilda Lenka in Bobby, Tally in Heatstroke, and Katya in Trackman
Yuri Danilchenko Wooby / Kitchen Boy  
Alexander Diachenko Zigrid Russian actor who played President Zakarin in Hunter Killer and Galiev in The Star
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