Battlespace: The End Is Near
Nomination Year: 2011
SYNOPSIS: What is it with Australian sci fi movies involving muscular women in little clothing wandering silently through the desert with guns? (To be fair, though, despite what the IMDB commenters say, Eve Connelly is no Sue Price.)
The following information was found on a data crystal under an obelisk in London.
In the far future, the Earth has been destroyed and, after a series of wars, the remnants of humanity are divided into two hostile factions. Mara Shryyke (Eve Connelly) is a soldier in one of those armies and this is her story -- as told by her daughter, who narrates the entire movie in voice over; there is barely a line of dialog in the entire first three quarters of the movie.
Mara and her best friend Roj, her daughter tells us, get shot down on a desert planet (always a bad sign in a Smithee movie). However, Roj, we're told, is a traitor and the two fight. Mara has also learned, according to the narration, that the enemy has a doomsday device that will destroy her home planet in 42 hours unless she can stop it. She wanders through the desert. The narrator gives us a galactic history lesson. She has hallucinations (a result, according to the narration, of her mind game addiction). She wanders through the desert some more. The narrator talks about her mind game addiction and her attempts to find peace through traveling back in time to pre-destruction Earth. She fights Roj again. She wanders through the desert. The narrator tells us about her troubled childhood. She finally finds a supply rocket, which she straps herself to a-la Captain America for a quick ride to the enemy city. There she steals a fighter, fights her way through the enemy armada, and fails to destroy the doomsday weapon before it can blow up her homeworld. The end.
Of Mara's story. But not, alas, the end of the movie (although it is the end of the narrated portion of the movie, which is almost as good).
Billions of years later, in a completely different movie, Mara's daughter is in cold sleep in a space station at the end of time, alone except for the station's AI (Paul Darrow; better known as "Avon" in Blake's 7). No sooner does she finish narrating her mother's story, then a pair of time travelers show up and try to take over the station. She kills them. However, the universe is about to end; their station is the only thing left. But, if they crash the station into some big bubble of matter, then that will trigger a new big bang and the universe will be reborn. Avon, as is his want, whines about not wanting to die (what, he was planning on surviving the end of the universe?). The daughter crashes the station into the matter ball anyway. The end. Or the beginning?
This has all happened before, and it will all happen again.
Salad Bar Guard Bot, v2.0
The guard looks right at her, but doesn't notice her until she sneezes. The over-the-top hand cannon at the end is a nice touch, too.
- "Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
On this planet, hallucinations come without precedence because something in the planet's biosphere is causing her mental contusions. I don't think those words mean what they think they mean.
- Deus Ex Machina
Aubergine Ex Machina
Though barely a conscious entity, the planet decides to take Mara's side and provides her with healing fruit. Which we know because the narrator tells us so (along with a completely irrelevant history lesson).
- Worst Science
Putting the KILL in kilowatts
After Earth's destruction, the bioelectric energy waves echo through the quadrant for centuries. Or maybe that's just the sound of my retching.
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© 2011-2018 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.