Flash Future Kung Fu (1983)
Da Lui Toi
Digital Master
Health Warning
Take Up the Challenge

Nomination Year: 2011
SYNOPSIS:  The rather complicated dystopian future world this movie is set in is explained on a bunch of title cards shown at the beginning of the movie. In Chinese.

As near as I can tell, in the future, Kung Fu is illegal. Our hero, Killer, practices it anyway, under the tutelage of The Master (not that The Master... I don't think). To test his skills, he participates in illegal boxing matches, which he hides from his Master, who wouldn't approve. One night, on the way home from a match, Killer rescues a young girl from... something. Later, her Mother shows up while he's taking a bath, thanks him (not *that* way, despite the fact that he's in the bath), and takes the girl home. Later, while out in the woods for the grueling wood-chopping training sequence, Killer runs into the Mother again, this time with a Friend. The Friend tries to talk him into getting high, even though he has an illegal boxing match that evening. He tries to explain that he never does drugs, but she talks him into it, and he gets stoned and then gets his ass kicked in the evening's fight. Then things get weird.

For some reason, Killer crashes a party for high-ranking Chinese Nazis. He is recognized and almost killed, but the girl's Mother happens to be there and, in gratitude for saving her daughter, saves his life by poisoning him. After the Nazis leave him to die, the Mother slips out and gives the Master the antidote. However, the Master doesn't believe in this modern medicine hocus-pocus, and instead opts to see his Brother for a traditional cure (see WHAT?! clip). Despite this, Killer recovers and he and his Master decide to take the fight to the Nazis.

Meanwhile, we learn that the girl's Mother and her Friend are dancers at the Nazi dance club/headquarters/mad science lab. After their performance and a shared post-concert shower, the Mother and her Friend learn that the Daughter is about to be used in a Nazi propaganda experiment that will erase her personality and replace it with one perfectly loyal to the Nazi state as an example for the other Nazis to emulate. Fortunately, right then Killer and his Master break in and offer to rescue the girl in exchange for the dancers' help navigating through the compound. Killer fights many Nazis, none of whom wear pants. Eventually, the sidekicks are killed, the villains are defeated, the girl is rescued, the hero and heroine escape, and we no longer have to see any elderly Nazi scientists wearing nothing but underwear under their lab coats.

Smithee Award Winner! "WHAT?!"

...also, a reality show on Fox!
How to cure rabies with a dead chicken, a gallon of water, and a snake, all while still leaving time for the doctor to get a new high score.

Worst Picture

Red eyes at night,
Cyborgs delight
Red eyes in the morning,
Cyborgs put on some damn pants

The cyborgs were created by Nazis.
They were released.
They put on gas masks.
They look -- and fight -- like ninjas.
Some have been programmed to think they are ninjas.
There are many copies.
And none of them wear pants.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Eddy Ko primarily a Hong Kong actor, although he does make forays into Hollywood movies -- such as playing "Chinese Refugee" in Lethal Weapon 4 
Director Claim to Fame
Kirk Wong directed the Mark Wahlberg vehicle The Big Hit which is much better than this film 

Greg Pearson

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.