Ultracop 2000 (1992)
Magkasanga Sa Batas
Yu Zhou Zu Ji
Nomination Year: 2012
SYNOPSIS: This seems to be a movie made on the theory that audiences would flock to see a weirdly-homophobic version of John Woo's Hard Boiled if only Martians were thrown into the mix. But I'm getting waaaaaay ahead of myself.
We start off with an undercover op in a sleazy bar in Hong Kong. It's a sting operation, and I mean that in more senses than one, because the movie has the Most! Dramatic! Music! Ever! (also the Most! Dramatic! Foley! Ever!).
Unfortunately, the undercover cop's cover is blown at a crucial moment, and just as he is about to be gunned down, a Martian shows up, kills most of the criminals, drinks their blood, and flies off. Naturally, when the regular police burst in, they're a bit confused -- and assume that Hero Cop has taken a nasty bump on the head rather than believing his crazy story.
Martian starts killing people. Martian Cop shows up to attempt to arrest Murderous Martian (let us call him M.M.) & return him to Mars. More Earthling undercover police work happens.
Meanwhile, a man is about to jump off the roof of a building because he
can no longer live with the shame of being the most offensively obnoxious homosexual stereotype this side of the Castro Districthas AIDS. Before he can jump, however, M.M. shows up on the roof. Offensive Gay Stereotype Guy (O.G.S.G.) hits on him. M.M. tries to drain O.G.S.G.'s blood, but recoils in pain -- apparently O.G.S.G.'s AIDS interacts poorly with the Martian's blood-theft-based metabolism. This cures O.G.S.G.'s aids, but renders M.M. homophobic -- literally. For the rest of the movie, when ever M.M. sees O.G.S.G., he runs away in screaming terror. Get it? A super-powerful, unstoppable bad-ass alien who's afraid of a flaming homosexual! This is a joke of which the filmmakers will never tire. No matter how much we beg them to.
Despite having recovered the will to live thanks to M.M.'s hotness, O.G.S.G. falls off the roof anyway, and comes to the attention of the cops. Both of his lovers show up at the hospital, and they fight. The cops take him back to the station as a witness to M.M. and the chief goes Full Hazmat over O.G.S.G.'s AIDS (Another tough guy afraid of a flaming homosexual! Hahahaha!). A bunch of cars blow up for no reason, to dramatic music. Eventually, O.G.S.G. is pawned off on the precinct's Mad Scientist -- who would be the most obnoxiously irritating character in any movie ever if it wasn't for O.G.S.G. -- thereby consigning him to the Annoying Character Ghetto, from which he will thankfully not escape until the movie is almost over.
Somewhere in here, for reasons that aren't terribly clear, the rest of the cops start believing Hero Cop's story about the Martians. It's an alien invasion! They have to act! But the undercover police work has shown that there's about to be a major gang war which will result in a blood bath. Displaying the priorities that have made Martian As A Second Language classes so popular, the cops decide investigating the alien invasion can wait until they've stopped the gang war.
The plan for this is for the cops to sneak into the warehouse where the gang war is going to happen; hide; and then, when the gangs show up to kill each other, shoot them all. That'll show those stupid criminals! No way they can all kill each other if the cops kill them all first! This goes pretty well for the cops until M.M. shows up and starts flying around with his sword, killing cops and crooks alike. Fortunately, Martian Cop shows back up, and sacrifices himself to drive M.M. off. Then he imparts some dying wisdom while frothing at the mouth, and puts the Hong Kong cops back on M.M.'s trail, leading to a final showdown between the Earth cops and M.M. in a different warehouse.
It goes badly for the surviving Earth cops, until they unveil (from a coffin) the most disruptive secret weapon ever. Then it goes badly for M.M. Then the Crummy Ending is revealed and it goes badly for us.
It's one of the more odd (at times verging on indescribable) movies of the past Smithee season. And nothing at all like what was promised on the cover.
- Worst Cover Copy
We also also find crap.
The tagline on the front cover: "The year is 2000. We discover life out there. We also find death." Besides being cheesy, it's entirely inaccurate -- the Martians come to us, we don't discover a thing.
The back cover: "In the year 2000, Zorbak, the infamous outlaw from Mars, ignores the Universal Treaty that forbids interplanetary war and goes on a killing spree on Earth. It is up to Nunez (Oshima) and her fellow Ultracops to stop Zorbak from conquering the Earth. Fierce ROBOCOP-like, firepowered action and Oshima's furious kickboxing fights will have you on the edge of your seat!" An interesting-sounding movie, but not this movie. We know Zorbak's name only from the back cover. We only know of this "treaty" from the back cover. Nunez (Oshima) is not remotely the main character in the film. And so on.
- "Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"
The Pinto Fancier's Association of Hong Kong?
The heroes' and villains' cars take hundreds of bullets without damage, but a couple stray bullets cause a line of parked cars (in the middle of the road?) to explode (many of them several times) like they were made out of C4.
- Acting Appropriately Stupid
Wile E. Coyote taught him everything he knows!
First, O.G.S.G hits on the murderous alien. Then the alien attacks, and nearly knocks him off the roof, leaving him hanging off the ledge by his hands. He reaches out his left hand to the alien, begging for help. Then he sees the good alien cop sneaking up behind the murderous alien and tries to warn the murderous alien. By pointing at the sneaking cop. With his right hand. Oops.
- Worst Special Effect
Pew! Pew! Pew!
The sword fight between the Martian Cop and the Murderous Martian is amazing. For values of amazing which encompass "low budget," "early-80s," and "kaleidoscope lens."
- Crummiest Ending
"Tony, you're so old-fashioned, have some tea."
Bad wire work! Poorly choreographed sword fighting! Obnoxious Gay Stereotype Guy hitting on the alien! Good alien cop back from the dead! Murderous Martian killed, then suddenly healed! More bad wire work! Wrist laser! Huge explosion! And it was all a dream.
- Worst Picture
It's the big fight at the end the movie. Climax? Don't mind if I do!
Zombies! White goo! Hat tricks! Sparkler martian! Switchblade sword! Belt-fed machine gun! Annoying mad scientist! Anti-tank rocket! Ninja manual! Bad wirework! "Hot" "kung-fu" "action"! Coffin hauling! Unveiling of secret weapon! Dismay of audience!
Kevin Hogan & Greg Pearson
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© 2011-2013 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.