Alien Uprising (2008)

Nomination Year: 2012
SYNOPSIS:  The Smithees have seen plenty of rip-offs of Alien and Aliens over the years, but the producers of this movie decided to go in a different direction -- they ripped off Alien3. Which is sort of like a smash-and-grab at the Dollar Store; but, hey, whatever floats their boat.

The privately-run prison planet Rove 12 has gone silent and a team of space marines are sent to investigate, along with an Obnoxious Corporate Weasel to act as advisor. Presumably, a prisoner uprising has killed everybody. But just leaving the prisoners to it won't work because the local jump gate has been compromised, which will eventually cause an anti-matter feedback loop through the jump gate network that will destroy the Earth. So the marines have to get OCW onto the base and into the computer network so he can get control of the anti-matter reactor and save the Earth. This would be a clear winner in Worst Science if it weren't also a complete lie.

Of course, there wasn't really a prisoner uprising. Rather, the corporation was experimenting on the prisoners in the hope of creating an unstoppable killing machine. Their project was a complete success except for the part where he unstoppably killed all the researchers, along with the guards and most of the other prisoners. OCW's real mission is to retrieve the data so that the corp can create more unstoppable killing machines, since the first one has worked out so well for them. The marines, of course, are completely expendable.

Also completely forgettable. Even by the standards of a "space marines about to get slaughtered" movie, Alien Uprising doesn't bother with character development. About the only thing we learn about any of the marines is that the lieutenant is doing the sergeant, and that's really only to provide a flimsy excuse for some lesbian kissing.

The marines land, to find the place deserted except for the automated alert, "Warning. Security breach in Sector 1. Evacuate immediately. Warning. Security breach in Sector 2. Evacuate immediately." Etc. This alert repeats on a one-minute loop in the background for *the entire freaking movie.* Before this drives them completely insane, however, the monster attacks and kills a couple marines. The survivors get OCW to the control room, where he activates the computer system and starts downloading his data. Meanwhile, some of the marines get into a firefight with some of the surviving prisoners, who have armed themselves with the weapons from the last marine squad to be sent here to investigate what was going on.

Eventually, prisoners and marines figure out that they're on the same side (fortunately, all the surviving prisoners were political prisoners, so they didn't really do anything bad), a handy physicist/political prisoner explains that the the whole "feedback through the jump gate network" thing is complete BS, OCW meets the usual Corporate Weasel fate, and the marines decide it's time to pull out. Unfortunately, before they can, the monster captures the sergeant, so that the lieutenant can go on a one-woman crusade to kill the monster and get her back.

That done, they blast off just before the planet actually does explode -- but, as promised, does not feed back through the jump gate network and destroy the Earth. In a fit of unexpected intelligence, the marines figure out that they now Know Too Much and, if they return to Earth, they will probably meet an unfortunate accident. Instead, they set course for a remote planet well beyond the reach of the corp, and put themselves into cryosleep while the ship's computer repeats a cyrosleep status message on an endless loop. Months later, they awaken at their new world, only to find...

No, it's not the "corp took over the world and is now waiting for us" ending. Nor is it the "the monster wasn't really dead and snuck on board and killed everybody while they slept except the lieutenant who now has to fight it again" ending. It's the "sarge is pregnant with the monster's baby" ending.

Best One-Liner

It's pithy. No, wait--
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"I thought you pissed yourself on the way down like a little girl."
"I have to go again."

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Rebecca Kush  
Director Claim to Fame
Andrew Bellware  

Greg Pearson

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.