The Barbarians (1987)

The Barbarians (1987)

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The Barbarian Brothers
The Barbarians and Co.

Tagline(s):

The Battle of the Titans Begins!

Nomination Year: 1995

SYNOPSIS: A pair of young brothers are kidnapped, separated, and raised as gladiators. They grow up incredibly strong, undefeatably skilled in battle...and dumb as tree stumps. When their kidnappers set them against each other, they (slowly) figure out what's happened and escape. Joined by a pretty female thief, they set out to find a magic ruby which will rescue their childhood guardian and bring about the defeat of the depraved warlord who took them and ruined their lives.

Bryan Cassidy

Smithee Award Nominations

"Alas, Poor Yorick"
I Guess It Was Vulnerable to Twins The creature stalked them for 10 minutes. It was big. It was menacing. It jumped out at them and was instantly beheaded with one feeble-looking stroke.

Stupidest-Looking Monster

If We Rub It Out, Will We Go Blind?

The dragon rises out of the swamp. Uh, rises is right. It looks INCREDIBLY phallic.

Say, if they beat it in public, will they get arrested?

Inane Dialogue

"Where's da Ruby?"

The brothers have a scintillating verbal discourse.

"Where's da ruby?!"
"It's not here!"
"Where is it?!"
"It's not here!"

Didn't I see this on "Drake and Josh?"

Worst Acting
A Touched Reunion The twin brothers rediscover each other when they're forced to fight in an arena battle against each other. They proceed to flex their muscles and act stupidly as they trash the place in their escape.

Directors

Director	Claim to Fame
Ruggero Deodato	The "genius" behind Deathcember and Cannibal Holocaust.

Cast

Actor	Character	Claim to Fame
Peter Paul	Kutchek	Owns a candy empire. No, no, just kidding. This is one of the twin "Barbarian Brothers" who tried to parlay their swollen physiques into a movie meta- franchise: The Barbarians, Twin Sitters, Double Trouble, etc.
David Paul	Gore	One of the twin "Barbarian Brothers," they tried to parlay their swollen physiques into a movie meta-franchise: The Barbarians, Twin Sitters, Double Trouble, etc.
Richard Lynch	Kadar	Set himself on fire in 1967 after taking LSD; plays bad guys, usually. But a prolific action actor on big and small screen, like Principal Chambers in 2007's Halloween, Cromwell in The Sword and the Sorcerer, and Mikhail Rostov in Chuck Norris's Invasion U.S.A..
Eva LaRue	Ismene	Gorgeous CA lady who did a lot of soaps and police procedurals, like playing Natalia Boa Vista on "CSI: Miami," Dr. Maria Santos Grey on "All My Children," and Debbie Dix in RoboCop 3.
Virginia Bryant	Canary	Was in Demons II and Demons III.
Sheeba Alahani	China	Her only credit...but wow, what a beauty!
Michael Berryman	Dirtmaster	Fascinatingly ugly character actor who suffers from Hypohidrotic Ectodermal Dysplasia, a rare condition leaving him with no sweat glands, hair, fingernails, or teeth. Plays many a fantasy/horror "lieutenant" role. Was Pluto in The Hills Have Eyes, the Mutant Biker in Weird Science (da-da-da-da-da-da- dah!), and Ellis in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Giovanni Cianfriglia	Ghedo the Strongman	You may wonder how his career could have topped Super Stooges vs. the Wonder Women ... wonder no more! Popping up in such strange places as the star of the Superargo franchise to bit parts in Ladyhawke and The Last Temptation of Christ to doing stunts for Jewel of the Nile.
George Eastman	Jacko	Tough guy or monster in many a spaghetti Western or Post-Apocalypse film (like Bastard, Go and Kill, Warriors of the Wasteland, and Porno Holocaust). But he really wanted to direct -- and only got to do it three times.
Nello Pazzafini	Jacko's Man (Uncredited)	A very LONG filmography of spaghetti fantasy flicks... AKA "Nat Williams."


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