Beastmaster II: Through the Portal of Time (1991)

Beastmaster II: Through the Portal of Time (1991)

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Beastmaster 2
Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time
Beastmaster II

Tagline(s):

An awesome hero. An invincible villain.
Time travel to a distant world.

It's gonna be a wild weekend.

Nomination Year: 1993

SYNOPSIS:

In the magical world of Dar the Beastmaster, a sorceress in the employ of her evil overlord discovers a portal to another world. The world is called "Allay" ("L.A.," that is), where resides a device which will make the overlord invincible. You guessed it -- it's a nuke. The Beastmaster and his animal companions must follow the bad guys to our modern-day Earth and, with the help of the obligatory gorgeous California babe, he must stop them from taking over both worlds!

Bryan Cassidy

Smithee Award Nominations

Most Ludicrous Premise
It's Not Even That Much of a Stretch The sorceress Lyranna explains to her master Arklon that she's invented/discovered a portal from their world of magic to a barbaric land of total destruction: L.A.

"Whoops!"

Well, They Are Messing with Time

Of course, the nuke gets activated at the end and the red, digital, LED countdown begins. An expert is called in to defuse the bomb and he fumbles through it while the timer ticks: 30, 29, 28... Cut to worried looks from the other cast members. 28, 27, 26, 25... Things are starting to really get tense. 27, 26, 25... Will he make it!? 40, 39, 38...

Now a lot of films use the countdown to build tension, and some are obviously not, shall we say, "real time." But this one is the most glaringly FAKE countdown I've ever seen. The counter not only goes backwards at several points, but when the timer actually does get down to four or so and they cut away yet again, you can still easily count like this: "4, 3, 2, 1, ZERO! Uh, ZERO! Zero. Zero? Hello? Zero?" And you can't even chalk anything up to faulty human perception of a passing second, because the soundtrack includes handy beeps you can easily count!

Naturally, these shenanigans give the Bumbling Bomb Squad Admiral ample time to succeed.

Directors

Director	Claim to Fame
Sylvio Tabet	Produced piles of crap, including Evilspeak, but directed only one: The Beastmaster series.

Cast

Actor	Character	Claim to Fame
Marc Singer	Dar	Probably best known as Dar the titular Beastmaster and Mike Donovan on "V."
Kari Wuhrer	Jackie Trent	Pronounced "Car-ee-WURR," apparently, Kari is a smokin' hot MTV VJ turned B-Movie actress. She was in Beastmaster 2, Eight Legged Freaks, Anaconda, Sharknado 2, and played Maggie on "Sliders." She also lends her voice to sci-fi animation (like Maria Hill in many Marvel projects).
Sarah Douglas	Lyranna	Best known as The Phantom Zone Chick (Ursa) from Superman II, Sarah plays a lot of fantasy/sci-fi villainesses, like Queen Taramis in Conan the Destroyer and Beastmaster 2's Lyranna.
Wings Hauser	Arklon	Plays a lot of soldiers, cops, and heavies. Did many TV bit parts, like Ty Tilden on "Rosanne."
James Avery	Lt. Coberly	Best known as Uncle Phil on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," James did a lot of lighter, young adult fare but was a classically trained actor. Everyone was sad when he passed away. :(
Robert Fieldsteel	Bendowski	Phil in Just One of the Guys and Dr. Williams in Love Streams. And a name too cool not to be a stage name...
Robert Z'Dar	Zavic	It'd be hard to find anyone whose face is puffier; gigantic ex-wrestler. He shows up as the antagonist/Boss Battle in many a Smithee-level film. You've probably seen him if you've watched four or more Bad Movies.
Arthur Malet	Wendel	Beloved character actor who played innocuous bumbling and/or professorial roles, probably best known for Mr. Dawes "Don't touch my father!" Junior in Mary Poppins, but also played lost-his-marbles Toodles in Hook and was the voice of the irascible mouse Mr. Ages in The Secret of N.I.M.H.
Michael Berryman	Pilgrim #1	Fascinatingly ugly character actor who suffers from Hypohidrotic Ectodermal Dysplasia, a rare condition leaving him with no sweat glands, hair, fingernails, or teeth. Plays many a fantasy/horror "lieutenant" role. Was Pluto in The Hills Have Eyes, the Mutant Biker in Weird Science (da-da-da-da-da-da- dah!), and Ellis in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Carl Ciarfalio	Policeman #2	Prolific stuntman and actor with a 40+ year career. Was The Thing in Roger Corman's sucky, barely-released The Fantastic Four flick; Tony Dogs in Casino; and the Italian boxer in Far and Away.
Frank Welker	Sharak / Kodo / Podo / Ruh	Legendary animated voice talent with a 50+ year career who's done the animal noises in nearly everything, but is probably best known for giving voice to both Fred Jones and his iconic canine sleuthing pal Scooby-Doo.
Charles Young	Leader	An accomplished dancer (which he showed off in Malcom X), Charles also did stunts on Beastmaster 2.
Lawrence Dobkin	Admiral Binns	A long, and (kinda?) illustriuous career in TV and film. Played one-shot characters on lots of shows from the '40s until the 2000s, often as doctors or military. Was Hur Ben Caleb in The Ten Commandments, Col. Bell in Patton, and Gen. Crook in Geronimo.


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