Crocodile (1979)

Nomination Year: 1995
SYNOPSIS:  A hugely tremendous crocodile, using its powerful tail and crushing (*ahem*) Jaws, completely destroys a series of coastal villages in Southeast Asia. The voice-over that begins the film explains that this is nature retaliating for all the horrible things humankind has done to the environment -- and it's a good thing that the voice-over explains it, because that's the last bit of this film that even pretends to make sense. There's a lot of mayhem, usually ending with severed body parts, bodies of water filled with red dye, and houses aflame (!). You get to see one particular scene of a nictating membrane sliding open approximately twenty-three times. There are some scientists, too, and a doctor. And a half-mad crocodile-hunting sea captain. The theme song is reminiscent of a certain other aquatic monster film, which will remain nameless. Sort of a "Mother Nature Gone PMSy" thing (if she was REALLY mad, she would have sent a fleet of crocodiles, right?).

"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"

Hey, It Takes Your Mind Off the Gruesome Croc Attacks
The heroic scientist's wife stops while silhouetted in a doorway to change out of her clothes (completly out), then continues on into the next room. There is no other point to this scene.

Worst Cover Copy

Ja--Er, Crocodile!
The cover of Crocodile is more than vaguely reminiscent of another aquatic animal attack movie. But thankfully there is no such thing as Crocodile 3-D.

Inane Dialogue

Thank Goodness We've Got the Asian Sherlock Holmes on Our Side
The two scientists are trying to puzzle out where the killer croc will strike next. They look at the previous reports and discover that it's attacked every three days. There's a pause as the lead scientist paces, fingers to lips in thought. Suddenly, he wheels and says: "Wait a minute! If he attacks every three days, that means he's following a pattern!"

Worst Special Effect

What a Croc
At the end of the film, the crocodile is finally attacking the boat of our protagonists (now that they've discerned its clever pattern). Off in the darkness, its baleful red eyes glow (which looks like nothing so much as another boat with headlights -- hm, I wonder why). As it attacks, we see scenes of a tiny crocodile leaping over a toy boat in some bathtub ... er, I mean, we see our huge crocodile leaping over the protagonists' boat.

Crummiest Ending

We're the Ones Being Force-Fed This Crap
It's time to end the film, so they force dynamite down the poor croc-beast's throat and it blows up real lame. Kinda like a firecracker in a bathtub, filmed in slo-mo.

Worst Picture

Nature Strikes Back from the Toilet
(clip one) - This clip is from the beginning of the film, and the voice-over sets the scene for us as a series of poorly-done typhoons (well, done in a toilet bowl, actually) and Stock Footage of real nature-driven storms are shown, accompanied by familiar-sounding, suspenseful music. The voice goes on and on about how Nature will strike back at Man, its abuser, etc., etc.

Worst Picture

Fire and Dyes
(clip two) - This clip is of an actual crocodile attack. The crocodile lashes at buildings, bridges, and people. Several underwater scenes are used in an attempt to convey the horror of people missing limbs, which might have worked had it not been painfully obvious that these people were years-past amputees swimming through red-stained water. Finally, the lakeside city is shown ablaze -- although no one ever explains why an attack by a crocodile sets several buildings on fire.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Nat Puvanai  
Kirk Warren  
Angela Wells  
Director Claim to Fame
Sompote Sands  

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.