Elves (1990)

Nomination Year: 1992
SYNOPSIS:  Some youngsters decide to spend the night in a department store, just for kicks. They meet up with Mike McGavin, a protective security guard/store Santa (Dan Haggerty), who escorts one of the young ladies, Kirsten, back home to her house. There, he meets her wheelchair-bound grandfather, who turns out instead to be her father. He impregnated her mother in order to produce a perfect offspring to sacrifice to the Elves (yes, Elves). Oh, and did I mention he was a Nazi? It's all part of the age-old plan to revitalize the Reich by producing the Master Race -- this time, the Master Race are Elves. But Gramps is having second thoughts. It seems that he's been reading the Bible, and in the Book of Revelations, it mentions that the Daughter of Elysium (that's the young lady) will mate with the Devil (that's the Elves) and their offspring will bring about Armageddon. Funny, I don't remember the part of the Bible that mentions a race of Super-Elves destroying the world.

Smithee Award Winner!MegaMetaSmithee Award Winner! Most Ludicrous Premise

He Has a Ph.D. in Elfology
In what has got to be one of the weirdest all-time Bad Movie conversations, Dan Haggerty rushes to the home of a college professor on Christmas Eve. The professor is understandably upset at having his yuletide meal interrupted, and threatens to have him arrested for trespassing (as soon as he can get his Spanish maid to understand Spanish). Dan pleads that it's a matter of life and death. When the professor asks what the matter is, Dan says, "I need you to tell me about the Elves." Now, you'd expect the professor to go ballistic at this point, or at least yell "Say what?." Instead he grudgingly begins to spout some claptrap about Elves being either magical beings or a Nazi genetic engineering experiment. He outlines several prevailing theories. In any case, the Elves are reported to mate with a virgin on Christmas Eve. (What exactly is this guy a professor of, anyway?) Dan cries, "Tonight, you mean?" and then rushes out of the house, leaving the vexed man to finally cut his Christmas turkey. What a pity the producers didn't decide to cut this turkey.

Smithee Award Winner! "Wanna Run That By Me Again?"

Now That's What I Call a Revelation
It just kept getting worse and more convoluted as the film went on. Mike, Kirsten, and little brother Willie confront Gramps in his wheelchair. Gramps eventually reveals that he is Kirsten's grandfather...and father, too. He impregnated his own daughter as part of a Nazi plot to produce the Master Race of Elves. But he's had a change of heart ever since reading the Book of Revelations, which says that the Elves will actually bring about the end of the world! I really can't adequately explain this scene, or indeed, this film. Go see it. I will mention that the cover copy's tagline is: "They're not working for Santa anymore." I guess not, since Santa wasn't even a part of this film, other than the fact that the events took place at Christmas.

Best One-Liner

Goosestepping into the Twilight Zone
Little Brother: "What's the matter? Is everything going to be all right?"
Kirsten (clutching him and frowning): "No, Willie. Gramps is a Nazi."

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Dan Haggerty "Grizzly Adams" 
Julie Austin  
Director Claim to Fame
Jeffrey Mandel  

Bryan Cassidy

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.