Hercules (1983)
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(Foreign Titles)
Ercole
Nomination Year: 1996
SYNOPSIS: Lou Ferrigno stars as Hercules in this Italian take on the famous legend. Sadly, as is so typical in early-80's Italian takes on anything, this one is avant-garde to the point of being particularly ludicrous. It might as well have been called
Hercules in Space or
Hercules vs. the Lame-Ass Mechanical Creatures, because the "gods" that oppose him send these clockwork monstrosities that always get defeated in a flash of blue chroma-key light. He befriends Circe the witch who, in complete defiance of classic mythology, helps him reclaim his love from the evil Daedalus. This is all punctuated by Lou's non-acting and dubbed voice, and some of the cheesiest effects of the era. Must be seen to be believed.
Bryan Cassidy
Smithee Award Nominations
Worst Special Effect |
Mighty Pantheon's Flying Herc-Catch Baby Hercules is sent downstream in a basket, Moses-style. As it's about to go over a waterfall, Zeus intervenes. He sticks his hand through the back of the waterfall and catches the plummeting basket. At least we're supposed to believe it's Zeus's hand -- the truly primitive claymation hand looks like it's straight out of Monty Python.
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"Alas, Poor Yorick" |
I Forgot You Could Stab With Them, Too Herc is chained in the evil queen's dungeon, and just for extra measure, he's literally surrounded (i.e., in a ring) by spear-toting guards. The bad queen and her entourage come to gloat, and Herc strains against the chains. When it looks like he's going to break free, the idiots all throw their spears. Herc simply steps leisurely aside, and a spear guts the bad lady's handmaiden in -- I'm sorry -- a tremendously hilarious fashion.
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Stupidest-Looking Monster |
Attack of the Mechanical Space Bee In one of the opening scenes, we see Hercules plowing a field. Without a horse. Daedalus and his god friend send the first of the mechanical menaces: a giant flying "bee" is our best guess. All it ever does is flap its wings and snap its tiny jaws -- I don't know what it was supposed to accomplish in the way of destruction. It's clearly a model superimposed onto the scene, and Lou does his best to pretend it's really there. Herc defeats it by throwing a big log at it, and it crashes and disappears, rimmed with blue light. The encounter is truly laughable all the way through.
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Worst Acting |
How Much for Just the Muscles? If anyone's going to play Hercules, Lou Ferigno pops right to mind (hey, it beats casting some skinny blond guy, right?). Unfortunately, due to a hearing problem, Lou couldn't really speak or act beyond grunts and roars. That's perfect for The Incredible Hulk, but they had to dub his voice for all his lines in Hercules. That's one strike against the film right there, but sadly, Lou can't really emote well, either. In this scene, he has to get a magic amulet and pretend to be in pain from the mystical field protecting it. It looks more like he's trying to remember his next line. When he gets mad at Circe, he yells, "A curse on you!" with a constipated look on his contorted face.
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Worst Picture |
Stand Back, He's Gonna Hurl! Herc and Circe now need to travel to Daedalus's fortress. They have a chariot and rope, but no horses. Then Hercules gets the bright idea to tie the rope around a convenient boulder and whirl the thing around his head, hurling it out ahead of them. It works! They're pulled through space, past multicolored planets and stars. They make a whooshing sound as they go by and somehow Herc seems to be able to steer, because the chariot appears to turn several times. Once you've stretched the laws of Physics that far, why not break them entirely? Suddenly, the rope snaps and our heroes are hurtled down into the ocean near the fortress, where Circe reveals that Hercules has made her lose all her power...by making her fall in love. [Please insert retching noises here] I want to know how that rope broke! It's not like the rock was accelerating. And even if the rope did break, why would they fall? Argh!
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The Fur Flies A bear kills Herc's father. (His foster-father, that is, not Zeus.) In a blind rage, Hercules fights the [guy in a lame-looking] bear [suit], then throws the defeated bear into space where it becomes a constellation! To add dumbness to stupidity, they then superimpose a picture of the bear roaring. Argh! I'll never forget the ceremony we showed this -- we'd just presented the first of the two Worst Picture clips (see above), and the crowd started chanting "More! More!" They weren't disappointed. We gave them this. All right, maybe they were disappointed.
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