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Horror Express (1972)
Panic in the Trans-Siberian Train
Panic on the Trans-Siberian Express
Pánico en el Transiberiano

Nomination Year: 1995
SYNOPSIS:  The time: the 19th Century. The place: a lonely train crossing Siberia. Peter Cushing is a scientist who has brought aboard what he thinks is a frozen caveman, but turns out to be a malevolent being capable of killing with a glance and possessing its victims. Telly Savalas shows up as a rowdy Cossack leader intent on solving the sudden rash of murders aboard the train. Through a veritable torrent of Bad Science, Cushing and his partner (Christopher Lee) deduce that the creature is actually an extraterrestrial. Disaster follows soon after.

"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"

I Can See Why He'd Be Afraid
When Telly Savalas's tough-as-nails character is introduced, he says, "A horse has four legs, but the Devil must fear one honest Cossack." Huh?

Smithee Award Winner! Worst Science

It's the MonsterVision View Master® Slide Show!
When the creature switches bodies for the first time, it leaves its old one behind. The scientists dissect its eye under a microscope. They look through the lens and find...a picture of the conductor who shot it -- the last thing the beast saw. "Its memory is recorded visually," states Cushing triumphantly. As if that weren't dumb enough, they look again, and see...dinosaurs! "This creature is thousands of years old!" they exclaim. Never mind that the story takes place before the first dinosaur bones were discovered. They look again (the writer just didn't know when to quit) and see...the Earth as seen from space! Do these 19th-Century gentlemen go: "It appears to be some kind of circular, patchy object"? No. They say, "It's the Earth as seen from space! This creature must be from another planet!" Wow, what progressive thinkers!

Acting Appropriately Stupid

Getting His Ticket Punched
The purser enters the darkened baggage car and witnesses a heavy chain undoing itself and being pulled into the man-sized crate. He grabs it, of course, and doesn't even let go when he sees two evil, glowing, red eyes melting his brain.

Worst Acting

Sometimes You Just Gotta Whip a Monk
Telly's Cossack is understandably peeved when murders start happening on his train. He assembles all the passengers, whodunit-style, and, overacting all the way, croons, "Someone on board is a murderer. Whooo? Whooooooo?" Then he pulls a blind monk from the crowd and begins to whip him.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Peter Cushing One of the kings of B-Movie horror. Played "Grand Moff Tarkin" in Star Wars
Christopher Lee Crown Prince of the Horror genre; plays Dracula a lot 
Telly Savalas Reknowned for his total baldness, he played "Kojak" 
Director Claim to Fame
Eugenio Martín  

Bryan Cassidy

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.