Saint O'ffender, embodiment of Evil and of the Dark Side, seeks to tempt and corrupt Hawk, greatest disciple of Donaldo, leader of the Master of Light Institute. They... Uh. He... Crap.
IS THIS EVEN A MOVIE?!
This is nothing more than an unwatchable cesspool of stream-of-consciousness vignettes, each with its own title card, no less. Pointless fights interspersed with gratuitous nudity mixed with philosophical debates and punctuated with this DAMNED GUY IN THE DESERT PLAYING THE BONGOS! THE WHOLE MOVIE IS A 'WANNA RUN' WRAPPED IN A 'WHAT?!' DOTTED WITH 'LET'S UP THE RATING' SPRINKLES!
*ahem*
All right.
I feel better now.
*deep breath*
And when all was said and done, the Roller Blade Seven triumphed once more, captured and reformed O'ffender, and restored Donaldo to his rightful throne.
The End.
Bryan "Allen Smithee" Cassidy
Smithee Award Nominations
"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
Mystical Reflections on the Atomic Tractor and RB7 Explanation
What the hell is going on here??
"Whoops!"
Take Two...Or Is It Three?
Joe Estevez kinda flubs his repentence line...but they could have left it in there; it certainly was no worse than any of his other takes in this flop. But then we hear the director from offscreen say: "Wanna do it again?" (as in "Do you want another take?"), and Joe (the actor, not the character!) says, "Yes, please." And they didn't bother editing it out in post. Cut to the wide shot...and Joe does ANOTHER TAKE.
Wow.
"WHAT?!"
Zem Bones, AKA Smileface Glow Worm Rapture
An interminable song, based off "Them Bones," but tooled for the Roller Blade universe...complete with Donaldo staggering and reelin in the desert while a smiley-face entity torments him on rollerblades.
"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"
Let's Up the Rating to WHAT?!
Cut to: Bongos and boobies! In the desert! Why? Dunno.
Worst Acting
Joe Estevez Doing His Thing
Estevezing all over the joint!
Joe Estevez on Life...and Probably on Something Else
What were these people smoking? This performance deserves the nod. Ulch.
Worst Picture
Everybody REALLY WAS Kung Fu Fighting, for No Reason!
I have no idea who's fighting or why. Typical for this movie.
FUCK YOU, Arm in the Frame!
You see the camera operator's arm sweep up on the left side of the frame. A big FUCK YOU to the audience.
AKA "Maximo T. Bird" (when he felt like
it), alongside fellow repeat offender
Scott
Shaw he
produced and directed the Roller
Blade and
Guns of El Chupacabra
series,
among many
others.
Not the comic book writer/artist, this
one is the filmmaker/martial artist.
Master of what he calls "The Art of Zen
Filmmaking," he's written and produced
some 200-odd (and I mean ODD)
films...each one Smithee-worthy. But we
love him. He
actually took the time to record a
special shout-out
to the fans of The Smithee Awards as his
character
Jack Quick from Guns of El
Chupacabra.
Martin Sheen's brother, making him
Charlie Sheen's and Emilio
Estevez's uncle; he plays a lot of
bit parts, occasional leads like
in Soultaker.
Sometimes billed as "Joe Phelan."
Did her time with Scott Shaw in his
Roller Blade Seven flicks,
then went on to produce "The Amazing
Race," "America's Next Top Model," and
"Undercover Boss." Glad she learned her
lesson.
Weirdly sorta-famous, he is rhe younger son of
vaudeville great Clarence Stroud (of the Stroud Twins)
and singer Ann McCormack, who toured the world with
Frank Sinatra. He grew up on Waikiki Beach under the
watchful eyes of such mentors as Blackout, Mud,
Buckshot, Rabbit and Steamboat. Which explains a lot.
Was Heller in License to Kill; Sheriff
Bill Sharp in Django Unchained; Father
Bolen in the O.G. The Amityville Horror;
and Jesse in The Buddy Holly Story.
From Easy Rider to
Stripping For Jesus, she has a
long and varied movie career. Was Rayette in
Five Easy Pieces; Myrtle Wilson
in The Great Gatsby (1974); and
Mother Firefly in House of 1000
Corpses. Was in many, many a Smithee-
level film; a true scream queen after our own
hearts.
Younger brother of "Rocky"/"Rambo" Sly
Stallone himself. Is a musician/songwriter
primarily. Was Cesar Mario in Hudson
Hawk; Carl in Staying
Alive; and Tony Mareda (Jr. AND
Sr.) in The Pink Chiquitas.
NOT Will Smith. This guy is a big
bruiser
who played Falconetti on "Rich Man,
Poor
Man" (NOT "Falcon Eddie" as the cover
of Angels Die
Hard would have you believe). He
also portrayed "Kimo"
Carew on "Hawaii Five-O,"
and
fought with Clint Eastwood in Any
Which
Way You Can.
"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
Donald G. Jackson
Scott Shaw
Joe Estevez
Allison Coleman
Don Stroud
Karen Black
Frank Stallone
William Smith
