Moving Target (1988)
Bersaglio Sull'autostrada

Nomination Year: 1999
SYNOPSIS:  Topless Lady witnesses her boyfriend's death at the hands of biker-assassin. She flees wearing only a bikini bottom and her boyfriend's "lucky necklace."

She is picked up by a van of vacationing folks who give her a ride and loan her a shirt. Motorcycle assassin follows and there is a tragic (as in poorly-done) accident.

At the hospital she is mistaken for the long lost daughter of a former tennis star. She goes to stay with him and seduces him, after which she runs on the beach, topless.

This dismays tennis star's current girlfriend, played by Linda Blair, who promptly vanishes from the movie without a trace.

Nosy reporter gets word of high profile family reunion and makes herself obnoxious to police detective Ernest Borgnine who is busy investigating the murder of a gang member who ripped off the mob for a bunch of money and put it in a safe deposit box in the Bahamas.

Lots of people die for no adequately explained reason.

Sleazy tennis pro and oft-topless girl are confronted by biker assassin and flee, only to have a horrible (as in poorly-done) car crash.

Biker/assassin (who in all previous scenes had a much more masculine profile) prepares to kill them but is stoped by Ernest Borgnine. The woman who suddenly replaced the biker/assassin was previously seen in the guise of the nosy TV reporter.

Ernest realizes that the key to the safe deposit box with millions is hidden in the back of the necklace, so he kills sleazy tennis star and girl and leaves to get the money.

"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"

Maybe They Should Have Called It Moving Targets
Our heroine goes running on the beach. Topless. Suddenly she's running in slow-motion, her breasts describing the classic sine wave across the screen. Then (some time later) the slow-motion ends. Then she comes back to the beach house.

Worst Special Effect

Did Pinto Ever Make Vans?
It's the slowest-speed van crash ever to involve a van rolling over. The biker forces it off the road, sort of, and in the dirt, it rolls over. Think of it as a proto-SUV rollover accident, but even stupider (if that's possible). Then, of course, it catches fire and explodes.

Crummiest Ending

How To Stop a Moving Target
The biker has caught up to our heroine and her (new) boyfriend, the tennis pro (following a car crash). Luckily, the kindly old cop (Ernest Borgnine) gets there just in time to save them from the biker.

He kills them himself. And he kills the biker. And then walks away, laughing. Swear to God, Ernest, it's not "ha ha" funny.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Ernest Borgnine Was TV's "McHale," won an Oscar for Marty, then played lots of B-Movie and B-TV bit parts; ubiquitous 
Stuart Whitman  
Linda Blair The head-spinnin', pea-soup-spittin' girl from The Exorcist, all grown up. 
Alexis Arguello  
Lisa Baumeister  
Amy Lynn Baxter  
Gabriella Giorgelli  
Janine Lindemulder her first film role, and one of the few before she became an "adult film" actress 
Roberto Messina Sometimes credited as Bob Messenger 
Charles Pitt  
Charles Pitts  
Emy Valentino  
Kurt Woodman Sometimes credited as Kurtis Woodruff 
Director Claim to Fame
Marius Mattei sometimes credited as: F.L. Morris 

Kevin Hogan

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