Gor (1988)

Nomination Year: 2002
SYNOPSIS:  A dweeby scientist named Tarl is transported into an alternate universe after a car accident. Just as he arrives an evil overlord leads his army into the sacking of a defenseless town, the enslavement of most of its inhabitants, and the theft of its magical hearthstone. Guess what turns out to be the one thing that can get our hero home?

It was only later, when I mentioned it to someone else, that I learned that Gor is based on a book which is somewhat ... infamous ... among the S&M/bondage set. The film, however, is rated PG, making it literally a porn movie without the porn. Also without the acting or production values. But with, unfortunately, Jack Palance.

Most Ludicrous Premise

Let's Just Pretend
The refugees from the village take Tarl to a cave, where they explain the plot. Apparently travelers from other universes come through all the time and are great heroes. Even though Tarl obviously isn't, they have to pretend he is or the people will become demoralized. So, they have to turn Tarl into a warrior and get him to lead the expedition to recover the hearthstone. Uh huh.

Oblivious

"Think Sand-Colored Thoughts"
Tarl and his companions "sneak" onto the caravan by waiting until the 50 guards are looking the other way, then running up behind them.

Worst Science

...But Does It Have the Ring of Truth?
In the film's opening scene, the physics professor hero lectures his class on how his family heirloom ring can be used to travel into alternate universes. For some reason, they don't really believe him. And they say kids today are stupid.

"Cutting Butter With A Chainsaw"

That's Gotta Hurt
The villain is pushed into his execution fire pit...and explodes!

Acting Appropriately Stupid

The Worlds' Stupidest Guard
No, they're not really the hookers from last night, and you weren't so good that now they want to do you for free.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Urbano Barberini  
Oliver Reed Prolific actor who was "Bill Sykes" in Oliver! 
Paul Smith Was "Bluto" in the Popeye movie 
Rebecca Ferratti Playboy Playmate of the Month 6/1986 
Jack Palance Gravelly tough-guy through and through 
Graham Clarke  
Arnold Vosloo "The Darkman" in Darkman II & III, and "High Priest Imhotep" from the Mummy movies. 
Philip Van der Byl  
Director Claim to Fame
Fritz Kiersch Directed both Children of the Corn and Crayola Kids Adventures: Tales of Gulliver's Travels, which says it all... 

Greg Pearson

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