Time Barbarians (1990)

Nomination Year: 2006
SYNOPSIS:  If the producers of Rana, Queen of the Amzon had had film, a few actual sets, and lots and lots of steroids, they might have made a movie like this. In "the days of swords and sorcery" barbarian king Doran has a magic amulet given to him by The White Wizard that protects his tribe from harm. He gives it to his queen to keep her safe and, within hours, the evil Mandrak kills her and steals the amulet, which he uses to travel to present-day Los Angeles because -- er, never mind that. Doran follows him to take revenge and recover the amulet, along the way teaming up with a plucky TV reporter who looks just like the dead queen.

Most Ludicrous Premise

Talk about Mood Swings--Must Be That Time of the Millenium
The Whiney White Wizard (Ingrid Vold) explains the plot. She's no great acting talent, either.

Inane Dialogue

Cox Is Not Okay
"Cox, are you okay?" Yeah, I get shot in the head all the time. No biggie.

Worst Acting

Deron McBee, Doran of the Man-Breasts
I'd originally clipped this as a bad acting clip for the queen (Joann Ayers), but Doran (Deron McBee) is pretty bad, too. It's a real toss-up. Good news: Lots of shots of nice, round, bare tits. Bad news: They're his.

Worst Picture

Doran vs. the Cawing Barbarians
Given that this is a swords & sorcery movie, you'd think there'd be good swordfighting. You'd be wrong. Okay, maybe competent swordfighting? Nope! Half-assed swordfighting? Sorry, not that, either. Even though it's all being done at half-speed, this fight is actually very hard to follow because you can't tell when their obvious misses are supposed to be misses and when they're supposed to be hits.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Deron McBee was an American Gladiator under the name of "Malibu" 
Joann Ayers Time Barbarians was her career apex, poor thing 
Ingrid Vold went on to play great roles, such as "Prison Guard," or "Stripper #1" 
Troy Fromin  
Director Claim to Fame
Joseph John Barmettler  

Greg Pearson

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.