Troll 2 (1990)
Troll II

Nomination Year: 2009
SYNOPSIS:  The movie begins with young Joshua (our hero) being read a story by his Grandpa Seth. In the story, goblins trick and eat the protagonist. Joshua cries out in horror, and Grandpa Seth vanishes. That's right ... Grandpa Seth is Dead Grandpa.

Joshua's family is going on a vacation. They're doing a house-swap with a family in a small farming community named Nilbog. I imagine that you've already pretty much sussed out the plot of the film. You are correct.

In Nilbog, there is a large feast set out for Joshua's family. Suddenly Grandpa Seth appears to Joshua, and tells him that if anyone eats the food, something terrible will happen! Grandpa Seth stops time to give Joshua a chance to think of something. That's right, he's now Magic Dead Grandpa.

As the movie progresses, various add-on characters (Joshua's sister's boyfriend's no-good friends, for the most part) get turned into trees and/or eaten and/or seduced via corn. See, goblins can't eat people directly. People have to eat specially-prepared goblin food. Then they turn into trees. Which turn into food that the goblins can eat. So goblins feed people to turn people vegetable to eat people. Got it?

Joshua somehow manages to keep his family out of trouble (he sees the town's name reflected in a mirror, and only then makes the connection), but the villagers of Nilbog have another dastardly surprise up their sleeve. A housewarming party! Where they're trying to feed the newcomers.

Luckily, Grandpath Seth has a solution. Armed with a Molotov Cocktail, he attempts to get Joshua to set fire to the house where everyone is, thus enabling the family to escape in confusion. Always and forever, he is now Magic Dead Arsonist Grandpa. The resolution of the Nilbog problem is so bizarre that it defies description, and the ending ... well ... let's just say it's better seen than read.

What was that? Oh, yeah. It's the reason I got the movie in the first place. Troll 2 is full of goblins. Not a single troll.

"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"

Roadside produce is apparently fine.
Joshua is hiding in the rafters of a Nilbog church meeting when he spots the family that his "swapped" with. They haven't left. But what concerns us here is the anti-meat sermon given by the Nilbog preacher, who goes on and on about how people pollute their bodies eating meat, for instance hot dogs bought by the side of the road....

Smithee Award Winner! Deus Ex Machina

That's a Deus Ex Machina? Oh, baloney!
Joshua finds himself at the sacred stone (from Stonehenge!) of the goblins, but he's also confronted by the goblins themselves, lead by their Queen. He has only one hope left. He reaches in his pack to pull out the Deus Ex Machina that Grandpa Seth said would be there, and ... it is! A double-decker baloney sandwich! The goblins recoil from it in horror, and the power of positive thinking goodness can be used to destroy the stone, and the goblins, and their Queen ... forever!


He was grinning ear-to-ear.
The Goblin Queen shows up at the boyfriend's RV with ... an ear of corn. She seductively moves up against the last remaining buddy of the boyfriend's, and asks him how he likes his corn buttered. She puts the ear in her mouth, he bites the other side, and she climbs on top of him. And then ... popcorn starts flying in from off-camera. He is covered in popcorn.

Smithee Award Winner! Acting Appropriately Stupid

I think he gets the point.
One of the buddies is off in the woods when he runs into a hysterical woman who is running from ... something.... It turns out that the something is a collection of goblins (i.e. midgets wearing doofy-looking makeup and potato sacks). When confronted by this rather large group of small people ... with spears ... his response is to go up to them and attempt to shoo them away. It works about as well as you think it would.

Crummiest Ending

The French call it "the mother sauce."
The Waits family has returned safely to their house. Joshua finds something amiss, though. There are a lot of apples all over the place. A baseball mysteriously rolls down the stairs. It has "YUMMY! MOM IS SO GOOD" written on it. He starts running through the house looking for his mother. He finds an apple that she's eaten, but which is now leaking green (goblin-like!) fluid. He finds her as the goblins are eating the quivering mass of jelly that she's become. One goblin asks if Joshua would like some. He screams. Roll credits. Sigh viewers.

Smithee Award Winner! Worst Picture

"You just don't piss on hospitality, son!"
The house in Nilbog comes with a table loaded with food. Suddenly Grandpa Seth appears in the window. "You have to stop them from eating the food, Joshua," he says. "But how?" Joshua asks. "I have stopped time for thirty seconds," Grandpa Seth says. Now Joshua has to think of something. And he does, although he hates himself for it. We don't ever see what it is, but we do see the aftermath, with his mother and sister disgustedly scraping food into the trash, and his father hauling Joshua up the stairs. "You know what this is, son?" says the father. "This is hospitality! You just don't piss on hospitality, son!"

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Michael Stephenson went on to make a documentary entitled Best Worst Movie about his work in Troll 2 
Connie Young hosted a NordicTrack infomercial 
David McConnell  
Director Claim to Fame
Claudio Fragasso co-wrote screenplay for Rats with Bruno Mattei 

Kevin Hogan

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