Boa vs. Python (2004)

Nomination Year: 2011
SYNOPSIS:  Two giant snakes fight. Film at 11 ... if they hadn't eaten the obnoxious news reporter....

A group of big game hunters have imported a rare giant python (something like 60-80 feet long) for a big game hunt. Of course, it gets away en route. Into the Philadelphia water treatment system. So the FBI shuts down the water to Philadelphia and surrounding environs. Under serious pressure to solve the problem quickly, the FBI agent supervising the operation recruits a (female) scientist who trains dolphins to detect mines, and has invented a tracking apparatus which is implanted into them -- and a (male) herpetologist (David Hewlett -- "Dr McKay" from a couple of the Stargate series) who has access to the largest scarlet boa (coincidentally enough, about 60-80 feet long) on the planet. The FBI guy's crazy plan is to implant the herpetologists's boa with the dolphin scientist's tracking apparatus, and use the boa to track the python. At which point, soldiers can move in, and yadda yadda yadda. Unfortunately for the FBI, the big game hunters decide to relocate their hunt from a private reserve to the aforementioned water system of Philadelphia.

The plot unfolds in a pretty formulaic matter (we were accurately guessing plot twists and bits of dialogue), but it was directed pretty well (especially since this turned out to be the director's first film), and it had a few clever aspects. The FBI agent was actually competent, listening to the scientists, knowing when to step up and when to back down. The scientists were not totally inept in everything but their chosen field. Stuff like that.

And of course, there were the snakes. Not quite bad enough for a Worst SFX nod, but amusing bits of CGI nevertheless. The python was green. The boa was red. The boa's name was "Betty," and I started to call the python "Frank" for no good reason.

The majority of the movie was the scientists hunting the snake, the hunters hunting the snake, and the snakes hunting the soldiers, the scientists, and each other....

...and every time the female scientist referred to her scientific tracking apparatus as "my implants," we laughed.

Most Ludicrous Premise

It's genius! Or ... maybe the other thing.
The FBI guy explains his plan to locate & eliminate the python using the guy's scarlet boa and the woman's tracking implants. Nobody buys it.

Smithee Award Winner! Oblivious

DJ Oblivious, available for parties, weddings, and ... never mind.
The DJ misinterprets the crowd's yelling and armwaving as encouragement. Because he doesn't see the sixty-foot snake that has slithered out of the wall behind him.

"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"

Nice ... er ... bathtub, lady.
The bad guy's girlfriend has some free time, so she takes a bath on the plane. Just because it's that time of the movie.

Worst Cover Copy

That never happened!
The front cover of this movie, exciting though it is, never happens. There are no scenes in big cities (or even small ones, for that matter). No missiles. No helicopters. Other than being a total lie, it's kinda cool....

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
David Hewlett probably best known as "Dr. McKay" from two different Stargate television series 
Marianne Stanicheva  
Griff Furst son of Animal House and Babylon 5 actor Stephen Furst 
Atanas Srebrev  
Harry Anichkin  
Velizar Binev  
Jonas Talkington casting director for Lake Placid 2 
Director Claim to Fame
David Flores Boa vs. Python is his directorial debut 

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.