Escape from Galaxy 3 (1981)
Escape From Galaxy Three
Flucht von Galaxy III
Giochi Erotici Nella 3a Galassia
SF Star Crash
Nomination Year: 2011
SYNOPSIS: I don't even really know where to start with this one. Frankly, if there was a Worst Costuming award, I think this movie would take it this year. Hands down. Belle Star's outfit is missing a leg on one side, and her top on the other ... although thankfully some passing starfish saw fit to save her from indecent exposure. Oraclon is wearing something that looks like an outer space harlequin costume, and his beard suffered a terrible glitter accident.
I loved how the cover and the title screen on the movie proclaimed it to be Escape From Galaxy 3, but on the physical videocassette it was Escape From Galaxy Three, because consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. Right? Ryte? Riyut?
This film should only vaguely be considered a sequel to the classic Star Crash. It doesn't have any connection via story, characters, actors, director, etc. What it has is the same special effects. And I don't mean the same sort of special effects. Do you remember Zarth Arn's hand-shaped spaceship that closed up into a fist? Escape From Galaxy 3 does. Do you remember the zippy little starfighters that Marjoe & Co. blew up ("Fire the laser cannon, robot, fire!")? So does Escape From Galaxy 3. Frankly, I think they get a lot more usage out of Star Crash's space SFX than Star Crash did. Even the oscilloscope put in an appearance. About the only thing that didn't show up was The White City (with its glued-on Scotch-tape dispenser).
All this typing, and I haven't even gotten to the plot yet!
Belle (or possibly Bella) Star is a Princess. Her dad is a King of some sort. They are attacked by the dastardly Oraclon, King of the Night. Belle & Lithan (generic dude with perm) go out and attempt to get help. Oraclon destroys their home planet and kills the King. "Mission accomplished!" he exults, except ... someone spots the lone ship. The bad guys give chase.
The ship manages to get away, damaged, via a suitable Deus Ex Machina ("The Omega Unit"). They find a planet to land on while they make repairs. This planet is full of strange backwards people who live in houses that look like giant Faberge eggs.
The people are frightened of these strangers at first, but eventually they teach Belle & Lithan about the pleasures of life ("What's that?" "It's water. I saw it in my father's mineral collection"). Having discovered the joys of food, wine, and love will cause Belle & Lithan to forfeit their "galactic immortality," but apparently it's worth it.
We (the audience) discover that this primitive planet is a post-nuclear-holocaust Earth (and may I say, for the record, that post-apocalyptic Earth has some weirdass dance routines). Unfortunately, Oraclon shows up and attacks the primitive people of Earth.
They do get away, and manage to defeat Oraclon via a method so ingenious that it goes all the way around the bend to "incredibly stupid." I would describe it for you, but I don't really understand what was supposed to have happened. I guess water & food & wine & love gives you magic eyebeams, or something.
What do you expect when the film is written by John Thomas?
- "Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
0 to 180 (degrees) in 2 sentences flat!
Oraclon and his men have found where Belle & Lithan are hiding. The leader of the tribe implores them to leave. "You must leave!" he says. "Okay," Belle says. "We'll lead our enemies away from here." Then the tribe's leader seems to have a completely-random change of heart. "No!" he says. "You must stay! To protect us from your enemies!" He points at Belle & Lithan. "Tie them up!" Make up your mind!
- Worst Science
If only the whole film had an Omega Unit.
Count Oraclon's evil forces have damaged the escaping spaceship, which thankfully triggered their Omega unit. Their Omega unit renders them invisible while they are careening out-of-control through space. Huzzah! This means that Oraclon's cosmic scanning rays can no longer pick them up. Oraclon orders his flunky to scan the whole Eastern Galaxy ... including the Equidistant Conic Tangents!
- Best One-Liner
I'll be over here, behind a tree....
The leader of the primitive people is trying to assuage their fears of the new arrivals. "You have no reason to be afraid," he says. "Now go hide among the rocks."
- Worst Cover Copy
Starring in This Film ... Some Other Film! We Think.
So many things to discuss on this one. Let's start with the front cover. The tagline reads "WITH THE SAME ACTION-PACKED, INTERGALACTIC PUNCH AS DEF-CON AND 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY!" First of all, I don't know of a movie called Def-Con. Def-Con 4 was set in Earth orbit. Even 2001 was barely intragalactic, much less intergalactic. Not to mention action-packed? 2001? On what planet? The drawing on the front is just bad (the guy's hands are either different sizes or incorrectly foreshortened -- and nobody wears outfits that look remotely like that). On to the back cover. The back cover isn't so much incorrect as it is ... vague. No pictures, just black text in a yellow circle on a purple background. "A high-tech adventure that follows a pair of Star Lovers in their quest for peace and happiness when the world around them has been thrown in turmoil! A faraway galaxy plagued by hostilities and evil rulers becomes a living nightmare for our heroes! Action, adventure and romance are the order of the day as the couple desperately try to escape the grasp of tyrannical rulers. A film that will keep you guessing to the stunning conclusion!" Yes ... but what actually happens in the movie? The box cover writers obviously don't know -- because they didn't watch it.
It take a village (to dance so badly).
Something's going on! Belle and Lithan are concerned. "Let's get back the village!" For what turns out to be a weird and funky interpretive dance thing. Why did none of the good choreographers survive the apocalypse? This is yet another cruel fate to bestow upon the ragged remnants of mankind....
- Worst Picture
"Touch of Love"? More like "Touch of Pain"!
As Lithan and Belle are in a spaceship escaping from Oraclon, they decide to explore this strange "love" thing that the primitives taught them. So they take their clothes off and get it on, accompanied back an overly-soaring song ("Touch of Love"). And then at the end, Oraclon catches up to them and peeps in on their fooling around.
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