Mega Snake (2007)

Nomination Year: 2011
SYNOPSIS:  Mega Snake begins in the past, with a family going to church. It's a small family, just two young brothers (Les and Duff), and their parents. Their church is a snake-handling church. Les is afraid of the snakes, although everyone else is rapturously fondling them. A poisonous snake bites at Les, but his father takes the fangs. As he's dying, the preacher goes on about how it's God's will. God is choosing to take him home. Meanwhile, young Les is asking the congregation to call a doctor.

In the present, Les is an EMT. His mother and brother nag him about going to church, but he's never been back. Whatever bad things you can say about Les, he's not stupid. Unlike his brother. Duff goes off to buy some venemous snakes from a Native American dude, and steals the most dangerous one (the "Unteka") when the Native American dude won't sell it.

There are three rules when dealing with the Unteka. Don't let it get near water. Don't feed it after midnight. Don't-- Wait, that's something else. These rules are: Don't let it out of the jar; Don't let it eat anything living; Don't fear the heart of the snake.

Right.

Pretty much immediately, Duff breaks the jar, and the snake escapes, eating a kitten, some chickens, a dog, and from that point on, people. Lots of people. Apparently we're good eatin' if you're a sixty-foot-long snake. A sixty-foot-long venemous snake, because heaven knows just being a giant constrictor isn't dangerous enough....

After enough side characters get eaten (Sheriff + Deputies on ATVs = Meals on Wheels), the main characters (Les and his on-again/off-again girlfriend) track down the Native American dude, and then they all go to hunt the snake (which is vacationing at the Thornton (TN) County Fair). This is where the TV Superhero Feedback comes into the movie (as a Special Guest Star), and utters the following immortal words: "That's a big snake."

As you probably should have guessed from Rule Three For Untekas above, Les needs to allow the snake to swallow him, so that he can cut its heart out from the inside.

[I described the plot to my insightful 11-year-old daughter Caeli, who instantly said "That sounds like it's the same movie as The Blob." Which is precisely what I was thinking as I was watching it. Smart girl! --Bryan]

Oblivious

Behind You! Look Be-- oh, forget it.
Duff sits down to watch some television, and the Unteka (which at this point is big enough to eat his head in one bite) comes up behind him. He thinks he hears a noise, so he whips around ... facing in the wrong direction. Then when he turns the other way, the snake dances around behind him. This repeats until the snake drools in Duff's popcorn, at which point -- remember how I said it was big enough to eat Duff's head in one bite?

"Alas, Poor Yorick"

Please Keep Your Hands and Arms inside the Ride at All-- Uh, Nevermind
Mommy, I want to ride the snake-go-round next!

Acting Appropriately Stupid

What? It's not like he bought it....
The seller of poisonous snakes keeps describing the Unteka as more and more dangerous, finally insisting that it's not for sale. So, when the seller goes off into another room to answer a phone call, Duff (undeterred by the danger) just steals the thing.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Michael Shanks "Dr. Daniel Jackson" from Stargate SG-1 
Todd Jensen  
Harry Anichkin  
Matthew Atherton "Feedback" from Who Wants to be a Superhero? 
Director Claim to Fame
Tibor Tak√°cs  

Kevin Hogan

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.