Python (2000)

Nomination Year: 2009
Q: When is a Python Not a Python?
A: When it's a genetically-tweaked multi-snake-species-enhanced 80 "129-foot all-terrain vehicle capable of speeds exceeding fifty miles an hour, with skin that can deflect an anti-tank round, enhanced night vision, and voracious appetite for human flesh." Or maybe when it's an Agent-Orange-mutated snake-chimera found in the deepest darkest depths of Southeast Asia. Whatever the explanation, it all boils down to the fact that this "Python" is a very big snake. It's also a very big snake rampaging on the loose near the small rural town of Ruby.

Enter just about everyone you've seen "From that one episode of..." or "Was that chick in..." or "The dude who...." There's Robert Englund, the Mad Elm Street Teen Slasher creepy herpetologist; Casper Van Dien, Johnny Rico the NSA leader of the snake strike squad; Chris Owens, son of The Cigarette Smoking Man a deceased plating factory owner; his brother Frayne Rosanoff, our hero and perhaps the most obscure actor on the roster; his friends intrepid ensign real estate agent Wil Wheaton; screechy Dana Barron; chaste Sara Mornell; and finally Deputy "Is a dick to The Karate Kid our hero" William Zabka.

Incidentally, we've seen Zabka more recently as Dean Cain's buddy on the other end of the "counting with no logical order" vid phone in Dark Descent.

You can probably write this movie already with the above information. Dr. Freddy wants to recapture the snake FOR SCIENCE! Rico wants to kill the snake for FUN AND AWESOME AUTHORIZED USE OF MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FIREPOWER and of course, both plans fail. This leaves the group of four 20-somethings to come up with a magic snake defeating plan (naturally). This they do (naturally) and which doesn't work (naturally) until they come up with a bigger, better, more plot concluding plan of de-snakeification (but of COURSE). The end!

However, this is possibly one of the funnest Smithee movies I've watched in a while and I'd highly recommend it to any and all of you out there.

The pilot of the snake transport plane (Snake! On a Plane!) tells his buddy to go ahead and open the crate in back. The Top! Secret! clearly and repeatedly marked "Do Not Open" crate. Hokey Doke – YAAAAAAA!


Then there was Casper Van Dien's accent, which was half Southron, half flaming, and with an origin even more convoluted than the Python's. We agreed that it was supposed to be from somewhere South of the Mason-Dixon Line. Probably. And also that it has always depended on the kindness of strangers ... not to laugh at him. Throw in the world's most anti-hot lesbian-on-lesbian action with humorous snake anecdote (NOM!) and this movie couldn’t get any more fun.

Lastly, I want to mention the utterly bizarre House Closing Deal scene wherein the top-dog real estate agent is trying to sell Jenny McCarthy a mansion. She's all over him like cockroaches in a student ghetto while he's listing the house's attributes. Oh the innuendos, and it couldn't be more clear what Jenny is interested in if she suddenly stripped naked and rubbed herself with butter. Kenny the Closer is getting into it as well but it's really hard to tell if he's all het up by Jenny or het up by the prospect of the sale. Maybe both? And to set the mood the backdrop music that's playing is a kickin' bossa nova tune by Damn! called "Stinky, Stinky Ashtray." Ahhhh...?


As another side note, the whole soundtrack was pretty cool.

The extra added bonus to this whole snake and caboodle is that there’s a Python II out there somewhere...waiting.


"Alas, Poor Yorick"

Wheaton gets eaten.
Tommy's girlfriend is freaking out about something. He's been sleeping on her couch, and runs over to the basement door to open it. She runs out, shrieking, "A snake! A snake!" He can't believe it. "You got me out of bed for a snake?" he asks incredulously, just before the ginormous snake bursts its head through the frame and gobbles him up.

Best One-Liner

Highly expedient.
The FBI guys (lead by Casper) are trying to convince the local sheriff that the killings are due to a crazed special ops soldier. At the end of the long-winded explanation, Casper finishes with, "Do you have any questions?"

"Well, just one," the sheriff says. "Do you expect me to believe this horse shit?"

Casper exchanges glances with his underling, and says, "It would be highly expedient if you would believe this horse shit."

Acting Appropriately Stupid

Did Simon Say?
There are "Top Secret" signs on the crate, and mysterious noises and pounding/thrashing sounds coming from within. "It's okay," says the pilot to the co-pilot, "you have my permission to open it." Which the co-pilot does ... with a crowbar.

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Frayne Rosanoff  
Robert Englund "Freddie Kreuger" 
Casper Van Dien "Lt. Johnny Rico" in Starship Troopers
William Zabka "Johnny" the Cobra Kai from The Karate Kid and its first sequel ... from there to the first two Shootfighter movies to the first two Python movies and ever onward.... 
Dana Barron  
Sara Mornell  
Wil Wheaton "Wesley Crusher" from the latter Star Trek series 
Jenny McCarthy uncertain why she's famous, but I have two guesses 
Chris Owens "Agent Spender" from The X-Files 
Director Claim to Fame
Richard Clabaugh primarily a cinematographer and camera operator 

Jeannette Quirk

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