How to Make a Monster (2001)

Nomination Year: 2012
SYNOPSIS:  This was a pretty decent B flick, and guess what? The acting clip doesn't come from pro-wrestler-turned-actor Tyler Mane. Color me surprised. The basic plot of our monster movie (in which the monster is done well enough not to score a Worst Monster nomination) is that a dirt-bag-scum game-developing company needs to come out with a scary first-person-shooter-type of fantasy game. Enter the misfits of programming who can finish the game in three weeks after the first development team is fired.

Incidentally, I think the first development team went on to create Spore and probably made a lot more money than the Misfits of Programming.

Anyway, a bolt of lightning hits a transformer and blows out some worst science that animates the motion capture suit. The motion capture suit is controlled by the server which is...playing the game. How many people saw that coming? This is also why the first development team made more money on Spore. Their creation wasn't trying to hack people apart and build a better walking motion capture suit with the body parts. Hey, what's a good suit if you don't have the body to fill it, right? Right!

The suit goes walkies, people die gruesomely and I totally called the Giant Fish Tank scene. And in the end, the big moral lesson is that good guys don't win because the world is full of mean and ugly, and nice guys always finish last. Meh.

Lastly, in case you were wondering what role Julie Strain played (she of "Queen Bee" fame in Guns of El Chupacabra), the answer would be: Julie Strain. She played herself being "hired" for the model in the motion capture suit. Which has to be modeled in the nude. Of course it does. Awesome.

"Let's Up The Rating To 'R'"

Jumping Jacks: The RPG FPS
Because motion capture technology is so ... that is ... I mean ... because they're computer geeks with a budget to blow on things like nudity ... Julie Strain has to model the motion-capture suit in the nude. Or at least topless ... despite the fact that there are no ... let's call them ... measuring elements ... anywhere near her copious breasts.

Worst Science

Lightning is not magic! GAAAH!
The motion-capture suit kills Hardcore. They figure out what must have happened. It was a lightning-induced "code inversion" that lets the computer control the motion-capture suit. "During the surge, everything got reversed."

Best One-Liner

Non-dairy Whipper.
The programmers are out to let off some steam. "I'm gonna get me a girl and two tubs of cool whip," says one. "Cool whip?" "I'm lactose intolerant."

Actors/Directors of Note
Actor Claim to Fame
Julie Strain married to Kevin Eastman; 6'1" tall 
Tyler Mane "Big Sky" the WCW wrestler 
Colleen Camp was in a lot of well-known big-budget films (Apocalypse Now, D.A.R.Y.L., Speed 2: Cruise Control); why this one now? 
Director Claim to Fame
George Huang also wrote How to Make a Monster 

Jeannette Quirk

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© 2011-2014 Bryan D. Cassidy, Greg Pearson, Matthew Quirk, and Kevin Hogan. All Rights Reserved.