You Cannot Escape
You Cannot Hide
It Does Not Know Pity
It Has No Remorse
Time Is Running Out
Nomination Year: 2009
SYNOPSIS: 13 Seconds is about...as long as one can stand this film.
Atrocious acting all around, and I'm sorry, but the "mansion" and "silent movie theater" is a fricking DORM. Weird, incomprehensible, rambling, and did I mention BAD ACTING? The whole cast was on 'ludes.
Essentially: The band Night Gallery is getting back together to record their latest album in this creepy old dorm mansion. They do some drugs. There's an art gallery in the house that shows you how you're about to die. Creepy creatures come out of the woodwork and start offing the cast one by one. "Tell Me To Stop The Pain" is a message repeated on walls in blood. The fat sound guy gets possessed. Finally, after an interminable ordeal (for the viewers), the "truth" is revealed.
Smithee Award Nominations
"Wanna Run That By Me Again?"
"Oh. WTF DOES THAT MEAN?!"
A little duct-tape interrogation of the possessed guy.
"Alas, Poor Yorick"
The Thing from the, Uh, "Nether Reaches"
After concluding that drugs may not be so good for you, the guy enters the room, gets locked in. Then a demon grabs his crotch from under the bed, rips his throat out, folds him in half and drags him under.
And he folds up so conveniently, too! I can just see the infomercial, maybe hawked by a zombie version of the late, great Billy Mays: "Are your victims starting to pile up? Too many skeletons in your closet? Try our 13-Second® Storage System! A quick twist of the testicles, a snap of the spine, and presto! Out of sight, out of mind. Remember: One squeeze of these, and storage is a breeze!"
"Have I ever told you about this reoccurring [sic.] dream I have? Now that scares the hell out of me."
"You've had this more than once?"
Yes, Please! Stop the Pain! Stop the Pain!
Satan (a few years on from the Filipino Wolfman movie) reveals what's been happening. I guess the whole movie was the Devil's trick in the last 13 seconds of Davis' life. He was distracting Davis from calling on God for help in those precious final, crucial (head-trippy) seconds, and now Davis is going to Hell. Where I've been for the last hour and a half.
It All Makes Sense Now! Wait, No It Doesn't.
Talia (Sarah Corbin) tells it like it...was? It seems half the cast is on drugs. And the cryptic statements fly.
Talia's acting gives me...pause. It gives everyone pause, because she pauses with each breath. And she tells the tale how a boy was "ritualistically" (did she mean "ritually?") murdered in the house.